God Here’s My Response

I’ve spent years in confusion. So here’s my response. I can’t take your silence anymore. I can’t take the constant battle inside of me that rages with war between my head and my heart. I don’t want to watch another optimistic message that gives me false hope. I don’t want to read another scripture that condemns for my own feelings and hidden desires.

He’s not a believer. Well Paul says that I’m to take the opportunity to leave and go my own way. I’m OK with obeying you. Have I not shown that? Have you not watched me struggle day and night doing everything in my mental power to talk myself into the logic of everything I see wrong. He doesn’t call me. He doesn’t tell me he loves me. He doesn’t even say that I’m his only romantic interests. I’m stuck and I’ve been stuck for so long just wanted something I can grab onto. A word. A moment. A confession. A hint of truth. I’ve prayed to you and begged you to bring the darkness to light. I’ve begged you to cause something to happen to move this along or shut the door on it forever. I think back at everytime I’ve been stuck in my life and you’ve always done something. When I turned to you, you never left me waiting in agony. You brought something to light. You helped me. You gave me truth and release. Where are you?

What am I not seeing?

The last dream I had of him he was holding up a white pages and he said that he loves me. Then I had a dream a week later where I was in a room with his ex girlfrend who was trying to befriend me. I want to know what this means. I want to know what you’re trying to show me.

I think about the strange events with Gary Gaines the other day on the airplane who wouldn’t take the upgrade and then had the spotlight stuck on him as everything began going wrong in his life and I felt like that was a message for me. I felt like you were trying to show me that as this man is rejecting me now that things aren’t going good for him. And I look back on this crazy journey and remember that when I decided to move back to Houston, he lost his job 3 days later. I think about how just last week a guy Halima tried to connect me with in Orange County reached out and asked me on a date and I said I couldn’t so he said “OK, I’ll catch up with next week,” and then last night he posts a picture with a girl he’s on a date with.

It seems you won’t let me move on. It seems every single time I meet someone and think that this is your answer and you are making a way of escape to close this door once and for all and bring in someone new to help heal my heart, something drastic happens. I remember Bart and how I tried so hard to date the man who seemed perfect in every way for my life and he literally had a scent to him that you brought on strong the night that he kissed me – sending shockwaves through my body of a scene from the movie Twilight where the vampires cringed at awful the wolves smelled to them. It was a strong repulsion.

I feel like I’ve been blocked. I’ve been reserved. I can’t move on. I can’t get away from him in my body, my thoughts or my heart and I can’t get out of this nightmare. I call it a nightmare because I have no choice in it. I’ve said to you “yes” I surrender. I’ve told you that I will love him and I will never cheat on him or turn away from him. I’ve said that if he’s the person you want for me in my life that I will accept him as my person and I will know he’s a gift from you and I won’t forsake him or take that lightly. I’ve said yes God – I’ve surrendered and I’ve told him how I feel. I’ve told him I love him. I’ve told him I believe he’s my person and we were meant to meet. I’ve tried to make this happen – God I even moved to California following dreams and visions and my heart.

He didn’t want me. He has repeatedly said he wants to remain single. He has said he’ll never fall in love with me. He’s talked to me about his ex loves and he’s shared his dreams with me of moving away to different places and he’s NEVER spoken of me in his future – until a week ago. He told me that we will still be having sex when I’m 92. But it was a joke in passing conversation. He makes no real effort. When I am available and I come there and especially if I voice interest in seeing him he often rejects me completely and says he’s too busy at work. And that’s another thing… If you want us together why haven’t you moved mountains to make that happen. If you wanted us together you could switch his job today and send him to Austin for a new opportunity. You could cause my son to meet someone and my kids to decide to move away and do their own thing. You could give me a new opportunity in LA and cause me to have a new life there with him. But we’ve done that too and it didn’t work out. I spent a year there. He came over to visit when I was in town but we never became a couple. I dealt with the same sadness and strange dynnamics of pushing me away and then pulling me close again.

Maybe he’s confused too. It’s hard to want something you can’t have. I moved to Austin because you told me to. I prayed and you answered and then I get here and see that everything surrounding my place is signs of him. The street names to the jeweler across the street all scream his name. I’m so hurt even typing this God because in a way it’s. beautiful. How amazing is it that the God of the universe would construct such a miraculous love story that chases me down no matter where I go and never stops breathing the love I have for this man into my physical life? It’s magical. And on the other hand it seems like torture. Why would the God of the universe chase me down in all of my thoughts and signs and wonders surrounding me to show me a path to a person that I can’t have?

I know you want me to trust you. I see visions of that last dream in my mind’s eye as I type this and I think to myself – God wouldn’t give me that dream unless he wanted me to have the answer I seek. That’s faith right? The substance of what we hope for that our physical eyes can’t yet see. You’re showing me that he does love me when his lips have never uttered the word. But if this is the truth why are you waiting so long to let us experience this beautiful love and why must I wait years to hear those words from him? I don’t understand God why would you bring someone into my life that I want with my whole heart and then ask me to live days and weeks and months and years separated from him. It seems cruel. And why would you show me a promise and a prize that I have no power to walk into?

I don’t want to fight with myself anymore and I definitely don’t want to fight with you. When you gave me the dream back in 2019 of him coming into my house and removing the wolf there I knew i was meant to meet him. Even when his job announced that he would need to be in Boston the weekend we’d planned together in Vegas I still made my flight reservations because I knew that when you show me something it will come to pass. I think about this now and the dream of his love confession, followed by the weird dream with his ex girlfriend and I am confused. Are you showing me that I shouldn’t be worried about her? Are you showing me that our placements in his life were both ordained for a reason and there is friendship on a higher level? I think about an elderly couple I met years ago and how the woman was talking about meeting her husband’s ex girlfriend at the reunion and how special that was for her. She said she thanked the girl for being part of her love’s past and helping to shape him into the man he is today. I want that kind of trust in love – to know that everything you have ordained was for a reason. And I look at my own past and the broken road that seemingly shook with violent change in the way you brought me to this man. I can’t deny that it was strange. I can’t deny that it all seemed like it had been planned by your divine council of life. So what do I do with all of this information?

I’m here Lord. I followed the script of the book and I didn’t even do it consciously. I’m sitting in the place where Skyla went when she received her final message – the place she drove through the storm to find. I’m at that old mansion of ruins sifting through the ashes and finding no life in it. I’m looking for the light that leads me to the staircase where the mysterious book will be there waiting on me and I’ll read the chapter that love wrote for me when I was least expecting it.

My daughter spoke yesterday about how she wants to move back to Florida. My son makes mention periodically that he wants to go back to Houston with his dad. I’m just the woman in limbo. I’m waiting for everyone else to figure out their plans and to release me from whatever season this is so that I can walk through the door that you have for me. And I remind myself that your beautiful designs are puzzle pieces that shift and change and move into place and that I don’t control how that happens but you have a reason for everything and you are “working all things for my good and your Glory.” That’s the only thing that gives me hope – to believe that you’re still authoring this story. I remind myself you aren’t done yet and there will be a day when I’ll look back and see that each moment of pain and confusion and each tear I cried was with purpose.

But God… could you make this a little easier on me? Can you help me to align with your plans and to see where you’re going with it all? Can you instruct me on what’s happening now so that I can be part of what you’re doing instead of feeling like I’m constantly at war with every passing day – trying to belong in a place where I’m out of sorts in my own internal thoughts.

I know I can’t see everything. I don’t know what he’s going through. Maybe he’s like me – projecting all of his confusion at a life falling apart in my direction and I’ve done to him in my defenses. I have wished I’d never met him because before he came I felt like I had some control. Now I feel like my life is much like being pulled through a dark web and I have no arms or feet or even a voice to take part in the direction I’m being pulled. And even in that space I feel like I’m being pulled nowhere – in cycles that never stop repeating.

So God how do I get out of it? I laid in bed last night and felt the warmth of gratitude for meeting this person. I prayed and told you thank you for sending me the man who could cause my heart to love again. I saw the scenes from Jerry McGuirre in my mind where she was in the discussion group with all of the women talking about how awful the men had been to them and she said, “I love him. I can’t help it. I love him” and he showed up standing behind her. I want that story. I don’t want to fight with myself anymore and lie to myself about how I feel. I love him. I love the way I feel everytime he walks into a room. I love the way I feel when I hear the alert notification on my phone that’s assigned to his number. I love the way I feel when I spend all night on the phone with him and there’s nothing like the way I feel when we make love.

This man literally drank my blood last week. He sent text messages talking about how unhealthy it is to mix blood then he showed up at my hotel room and forgot the entire discussion as he used his tongue to lick the very place that was unclean. What is this? Who does that? I don’t know if that’s evil or if it’s true love that has no boundaries or separation of flesh. And I don’t want to spin in my thoughts anymore wondering what the heck I’m dealing with. One minute I tell myself he’s Satan incarnate sent to steal my innocence and in the next minute I’m thinking about how ego-less it is to merge with another in that way without borders – to love someone as if they are your own flesh and blood.

I just ordered oils and I will make the body oils tonight with Kenna. Maybe we can put it on angelsflame or bodyflames and sell them to people at her work. Maybe the love I have with him was purposed for me to do something creative with it. I don’t know what to do anymore Lord. I just know I’m so tired of keeping this secret to myself. I an exhausted trying to pretend that I’m not completely and totally in love with this man. All I want to do is see him again. And that’s not enough either because I never want him to leave. I wish I could come home to him everynight. I wish I could spend the rest of my years with him doing something that screams the essence of love from the mountains and to share this beautiful story of God’s redemption of love with anyone like me who’s ever felt rejected by this world.

In my good moments, I believe he’s coming here. I believe you sent me to Austin because you have a plan to move mountains by the miracles of your hand and I’ll know without a shadow of a doubt that all of it was you. I’ll never question again the placement of this man in my life by your doing.

In my bad moments I talk to myself about overcoming temptation of my fleshly desires. I fight with myself and I’m angry with myself for seeing him over and over. I’m angry with myself for telling him my feelings and for reaching out when he’s silent. I repeatedly scream at myself to get a grip and snap out of this love spell – to toss away the fairytale love story that Disney sold us all as kids and to focus my attention on something practical and more grounded.

In my peaceful moments I remind myself that none of it is up to me. Your will is the ultimate decision in all things. You are the author of my story and you will do what you want regardless of what I think and my only real option is to trust that whatever you decide is for my ultimate good.

I think about the biblical references to love – how they meet and the man offers a gift to her father and then they separate until he comes for her. And I think about how she goes to a place and is annointed by the oil. And I feel completely silly in my thinking but maybe the oil is the next thing I’m to put focus on. I can prepare my body for the moment my heart hopes and prays is coming soon. And in the meantime, I have no choice but to wait… To wait for you to do what only you can do.

You are the author and finisher of my faith and my story. Lord please act quickly.

Love, J