Dear Jesus

Are you even seeing this? My son calls me a cunt and a bitch – screaming and breaking things in the apartment we’re allowing him to stay in for free. He hates you and he hates me more. Everytime I have enough money to breathe I have to spend it on his car or something he needs. He doesn’t show any appreciation and even blames me for trying to help. He says “I told you to stop putting money in it” and then he threatens suicide to me and Kenna nonstop.

What do I do? Are you even here? Are you even doing anything? I pray everyday for an angel to walk into his life and spark something inside of him that will turn this all around. I taught him about you. I demonstrated unselfish love and I have tried so hard to help him. I feel like a prisoner in this life. Nothing works God. Nothing changes. I want love and opportunity and to live in peace with joy in the morning.

I know I don’t get to choose the people that you send into my life but why would I be surrounded by only the kind that hate me and don’t love me and could care less that I even exist?

And even if I had somewhere to go to I don’t have the money or credit to do it. I’ve been day in and day out racking my brain for an idea to solve my situation. I try to make candles and tell people the good news of miracles you’ve done and in this season of my life I don’t know anyone as sad as me. I’m lonely. I’m forgotten. I don’t know who I am anymore or why I’m here. I thought bringing Drako down would help me to find joy this week. He loves me and he follows me around like a shadow. But I jsut cry. I look at my circumstances and I don’t know what to do except sit in my room and cry. I feel llke I have no purpose in this world other than to be a doormat to projection and hatred.

Is this why you sent me here? Is this the plot for my life? Didn’t my Granny suffer enough – I have to follow now in her footsteps? And for what? What is anyone learning from this? To not have a heart? To be the kind of mother that laughs and drinks wine and enjoys herself while the world is on fire around her? If so, why didn’t you make me like that? Why didn’t you make me heartless? Why am I so soft I let everyone use me and abuse me with their actions and words?

Yes she was my hero when I was little because she touched people deeply and she saw everyone through the lens of compassion but she became bitter and lonely and I feel that way too. I feel bitter and lonely. I feel like I’m not even allowed to speak because everything I say gets kicked back at me like I’m the problem – like I’m the worst thing that ever existed.

Where is there a place for me God? Where can I be of service and not despised by the ones I love? Where will I be something other than the woman everyone rejected? I’m sorry to complain but I’m so sick of crying. I’m so sick of waiting. I’m so sick of praying to you asking for miracles that never come. I see the visions I’ve had of my son happy and healthy and successful and me in love and I don’t know how I can believe it anymore. Where is the evidence that it could even be possible when nothing changes? Same day – same issues – same tears every single day…..

If you set the lonely in households to drive the prisoners out wouldn’t that mean that you give them a place to go? Where am I meant to be? I went to the dessert and I was used and hated and ridiculed by judgemental people there too. I tried to chase love from a man who once treated me like I was special and he doesn’t even acknowledge that I exist anymore. I keep praying to you and saying that I give up and I can’t take another day and then I wake up and I try again. I look for anything to celebrate. I look for tiny acts of kindness and the warmth in a stranger’s smile to keep me going and its’ not working anymore.

I want to let it go. I want to jsut trust you and let it go but there’s nowhere to go to. What am I missing? What are you wanting me to see in this? What am I doing wrong?

I didn’t get the transfer again so I’m still flying to LA in October now. I have to go there and be reminded of the man who’s there and couldn’t love me. I get to come home here and be surrounded by hateful words from my own son. I try so hard to not hate men but can you give me a reason? Has there been one in my life to show me goodness and kindness – honesty and love? Where is there an example of something that isn’t bad for me?

I’ve seen suffering on the outside and now I’m stuck for years in suffering in the heart. I don’t know how much more I can take. I literally feel like I’m suffocating God. Why won’t you help me? Why won’t you do something? Why won’t you change things around? Where are you? Do you hear me? Do you see the words I’m typing right now? When will I be able to breathe again and feel safe to live inside of this body? Will that day ever come Lord?

Well I’m crying like a baby and Drako is upset. So I’m going to shove it down like I always do and pretend that writing you made a difference. I’m angry and I’m sad Jesus. I feel foresaken. If there’s anyone out there that cares please tell me to hear my cries. If there’s anyone out there who can bring me back to hope again, please send them. If there’s anyone out there who loves me and cares that I’m still breathing…. please tell me them I need them.

In Jesus’ name..

amen